Mental

   Mental. The word I would use to describe my current state. Now in our culture when someone says, “they’re so mental” it’s not necessarily a compliment… and i’m not meaning it to be a compliment for myself either. Life is… in my favorite-person-of-all-time’s words “Brutiful”. Beautiful AND Brutal. Glennon, how I love thee.In honor of June being Mental Health Awareness Month I have dusted off the ol’ blog. I’m tired, oh so tired of hiding. Being “real” is so very very difficult. And I’m here to tell you, the people whom you think have got it all together… DON’T. It’s as simple as that. Everyone is battling something. We have Facebook & Instagram and shit like this to tell us, “nope, see that person?! They’ve got it all together, perfect family, perfect job, perfect dog, perfect smile(where do they have their teeth whitened?!), perfect, perfect, perfect.”

It just ain’t so.

I get caught up in all the mumbo jumbo too. Why yes I do post pictures of myself and my children smiling sweetly after I’ve applied my makeup and have gotten that new haircut that everyone loves! And yes I do post pictures of my husband and I on our sweet date nights of which we NEVER have arguments during! And yes I even talk about how my kids are so silly and somedays are kinda tough bygollygee.

This is social media. We’re all putting our best face (literally) forward. Everyone’s perception of everyone else’s life is so skewed that we don’t know our asses from our elbows. So I’m done. Yes I will most likely post the pretty pictures still (because I mean who doesn’t like to see those little “likes”) and I will and do have great days where everything is hunky dory, BUT what I will add to this in my quest to find ME among the YOUS will be the hard shit stuff.

Oh this is going to be uncomfortable and terrifying and I’ll most likely offend some people or lose some facebook friends (which if we’re being real here, haven’t really seen or spoken to me in 11+years). So for the next 30 days I will share ME with YOU. The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly. You may want to block this page from your browsers, or run and tell family and friends I’ve “gone off the deep end” and that’s fine, BUT you will be missing out on some juicy stuff all about ME!! Think of the scandal, the gossip, oh wait no never mind. Think of the relief someone feels when they learn I struggle with the same things they struggle with!

There is a hole in me. As Glennon says, A God-sized hole. And I’m ready to stop filling that hole with stuff that just ain’t workin’. I’m ready to be the ME God made ME. Not who the world says I should be. And once I stop trying to fill that hole with anything that essentially numbs me, I think and I hope and I pray God will fit in that hole. In her book, Carry On Warrior G says this…

“If there’s a silver lining to the hole, here it is: the unfillable, God-sized hole is what brings people together. I’ve never made a friend by bragging about my strengths, but I’ve made countless by sharing my weakness, my emptiness, and my life-as-a-wild-goose-chase-to-find-the-unfindable. Holes are good for making friends, and friends are the best fillers I’ve found yet. Maybe because other people are the closest we get to God on this side. So when we use them to find God in each other, we become holy.”

Preach it, G.

So are you ready for Realness #1?!

I struggle deeply with depression. Debilitating depression. I’ve gone through postpartum depression of different levels with each of my three children and at one point I experienced postpartum psychosis. Voices and people that weren’t really there. My husband and family and friends that know this about me still love ME! They love me well and they never leave me. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. It sucks. But on good days I see the beautiful life all around me. And the bad days, well it’s brutal.

Brutiful. -Glennon’s word, not mine-

So, ya… this is ME. Maybe it’s some of YOU as well. Let’s be Humans together. Let’s be real Humans, not the fakey kind 😉

Peace out,

ME.

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9 thoughts on “Mental

  1. Love this. Thanks for sharing. I’m already looking forward to your next one. It is hard to be real you are so right, our world has so many options to present a superficial picture of ourselves. It is easy to go through life and not really go deep. Thanks for taking this plunge.

  2. Thanks for sharing….. How sweet the sound of truth! Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being you! I have a high value for Truth and being real…. Although I feel like a FREAK in this world right now. I have struggled with post partum on different levels as well. And yes I have heard voices and have had thoughts that I did not think were humanly possible. One small rant….. why do we Americans think it to be heroic to pop out a baby and get back to the gym the next day? Are we for fucking real? God bless us. Thank you for being courageous. You are my hero!

    1. I could go on and on about our cultures obsession with outward appearance!! I miss you Casey and so treasure the time we spent together when we lived in ft worth!! Thanks for joining in on the truth telling 🙂

  3. Colleen, I followed the link from FB. Delighted that I did! So refreshing to read your thoughts. Apparently the yearning for “real” is far more widespread than I realized. Looking forward to reading more!

  4. Thank you for being real and honest. It’s a shame that humans can’t be human anymore, and be OK with it.
    I too have some serious issues, one being chronic severe depression. I feel you.
    God bless.

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