I’m trying. It’s one of those constant battles, ya know? To love myself…
This quote by Khalil Gibran is so dead on, I am my own enemy and the battle rages. Why is it so damn difficult?! I want to blame someone…
- Screwed up American culture
- Childhood wounds
- Social Media
- Junior High
- etc. etc. etc.
Ah, the blame game. We all want so badly to pass our flaws off onto someone or something else. I’m not saying that these things around us don’t contribute to our flaws but we as a culture tend to blame everyone/everything around us before looking inward at ourselves. You know why?!
Because sitting with “self” is scary shit. Most of the time I really don’t like Me. And the idea of not having my phone to look at, a book to immerse myself in, a tv show to veg out in front of, a bottle of wine to drink, or something to binge eat sounds horrifying.
Necessary. But horrifying.
I have come such a long way. There are days where I think “I’m a total badass”, “I rock”, “I’m a pretty good wife/mother/daughter/friend/doula/whatever”, etc. But there are a lot of other days where I want to crawl out of my own skin. I have loathed myself for more of my life than I have loved myself. Self loathing in itself is it’s own special Hell. A hell that I am crawling out of and yelling with every fiber of my being, “DON’T DRINK THE KOOLAID!”. For my children to never know this hell, would be my greatest accomplishment as their mother.
The thing is… I don’t even know what I loathe. Not really. If I really think about it I wonder why I waste so much precious time and energy on something that baffles me completely. If someone were to ask me, “Colleen, why do you sit there hating yourself so much?!” I would say, “Beats me”.
You know what helps though? Reading books and articles by courageous vulnerable women like Brene Brown, Glennon, Elizabeth Gilbert, & Anne Lamott just to name a few of my favorites. They all remind me that the self loathing game just ain’t worth it.
Yes, I screw up.
Yes, it’s okay to forgive myself.
Yes, I can be the person I so badly want to be without all the false pretenses.
Yes, my body is different and soft after having 3 children. BUT still worth loving!
I AM ENOUGH. I AM GOOD.
So yes I will continue to try and sit with the uncomfortableness that is “myself”. And no it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. Because I’m willing to bet once I stop the hatred I’ll be able to see through all the bullshit and see ME for the first time in many years.
I liked ME when I was a little girl. I was sweet and kind and honest and gracious and adventurous and loyal and so much more. When did that little girl decide she wasn’t ENOUGH? I’m saying now that I am still all of those things. I just have to dig a little deeper to remember her.
Once I learn to love myself well, I will love others well. And that is my life’s goal.
I believe it is a most worthy one.
–Learning to Love,