It took an embarrassing amount of time to decide on the picture for this post… I knew I wanted Dory’s “Just Keep Swimming” but deciding on just the right one took FOREVER!!!
So starts a discussion on Decisions.
Sometimes I can be the MOST indecisive person I know. But of course it really grates on me when the people around me are being indecisive… my momma says we usually recognize our own faults in others… I hate it when she’s right.
Depression exaggerates this indecisive tendency of mine. By a BAJILLION and 3. I once found myself circling the town I live in for the THIRD time trying to decide if I should go deposit a check in the bank or wait. This was not a huge decision. There were no life or death situations here, It wasn’t even urgent if that check got deposited that day or not. But my muddled cloudy brain convinced me that this was a dire decision and all life hung in the balance of whether this FRICKIN’ check got deposited or not!!!!!
By the end of the whole ordeal I think I decided to go to a Kid’s Resale Shop, get some Starbucks, and go home and cry in the shower. The End. And the check didn’t get deposited. My husband did it for me.
When I am depressed I feel stuck. I know chronological time is moving forward but “brain time” is at a grinding halt. I see little decisions as MONUMENTAL decisions.
- Should I wear my hair curly or straight today? — Never mind. I’ll stay home and shower next week.
- What will I cook for dinner tonight? — Never mind. Husband can warm up taquitos while I cry in the shower.
- I need to call a friend today. — Never mind. They don’t wanna talk to my whiny ass anyways.
- Will I make that appointment to finally to see a therapist? — Maybe.
Maybe is good. Maybe means the possibility of making a small decision and entering chronological time again. Maybe means Hope.
My husband, wise one that he is, reminds me to “Just Keep Swimming”. We have three children and have therefore memorized every single line of Finding Nemo. We quote life in Disney/Pixar lines.
That Dory, she is wise beyond her short term memory loss… If I just keep swimming, keep making decisions, it will all continue to move forward. I know that seems obvious, but “brain time” is tricky! It’s so convincing that everything all around me is at a stand still, and perhaps if I don’t make any sudden movements, or any small decisions, that I will start to feel better. But see that’s where the trick comes in… And Brain knows this. Brain doesn’t want me to catch on to her tom foolery! Because if I made that small decision that
seems so monumental she knows I would say, “AHA!! Caughtcha! Games up BRAINY! That little decision wasn’t so hard and now I think I’ll go defrost that chicken. Showed you, BIOTCH!”
See, even survival experts say that when you’re lost in the wilderness the worst thing you could do is to stop and do nothing. You have to keep making decisions. Even if its to walk to the next ridge or snare that rabbit with your rabbit snare you created out of twigs, bear scat, & cobwebs… they make it look so easy. The point being, Just Keep Moving.
Glennon says, Just Keep Showing Up.
So for today (because, one day at a time) I’ll Show Up.
It may not be magnificent and I may not have brushed my teeth, but showing up is ENOUGH.
Defrosting A Chicken,